My mum is dying and a lot of the time it feels like it’s not even happening. Or it’s happening to someone else. I’m living in a completely different city and if she doesn’t die before September, I’ll most likely be living in a completely different country. But what if I move back to China and she dies while I’m there? Dad keeps telling me to focus on myself and my own life but how can I?
Then other times it feels like my dissertation and my uni work are much more immediate problems.
Stream of consciousness. I struggle so much to focus on any one thing at the moment. I don’t really feel like a full person right now.
Finally starting to realise that my mother won’t see me graduate. She’s just not gonna exist for the rest of my life, the majority of my life. That’s just so difficult to get my head around.
She was absolutely terrified of me last time I went to see her. She was so scared that she pissed herself. My own mother didn’t know who I was and she thought I was trying to hurt her. Alzheimer’s is fucking cruel man.